Tonka is some what of a legend on the Resident Advisor forums, his extremely sarcastic yet hilariously accurate take on Dance Music has been pulling chuckles for a few years now. He was encouraged by other RA users to start his own blog, so he did, the Weekly Review of Dance Music. Seeing as he makes us laugh, it was a no brainer to reach out and befriend him…we are already planning vacations in London and Denver. What follows is a look into the mind of a fellow music lover…of a sophisticated force of reasoning…utter honesty in response to mediocre questions….

(some possibly offensive language, please be advised)

Questions in bold, answers in italic.

-This interview will most likely introduce you to people who have no clue who you are. What would you like them to know about Tonka?  I am a young Great British man who lives in London. I am handsome. I am 5’11”, slim, have short brown hair, blue eyes and am trimmed and tidy down below (balls and surrounding area of my 6 1/2″ uncut penis).Tonka is not my real name. It is a pseudonym I use for writing my world famous dance music blog, the Weekly Review of Dance Music, or WRDM as I abbreviate it to. WRDM is the leading voice for dance music truth and exclusive interviews with the clubbing stars, past and present. This is MY BLOG and if you want to Tweet me you can do so by ringing this number: @tonkawrdm - alternatively you can send me saucy emails to tonkawrdm@gmail.com

-What do you think is wrong with America?  I’ve been to America once and didn’t find anything wrong with it at all – and I did look. If I were to make one observation it would be to say that everything is bigger where you are. I felt like an ant walking around Gulliver’s Kingdom with magnifying glasses strapped to my eyes. The cars are bigger, the streets are wider, the bellies are fatter, you get more filling in your sandwich, the women are bustier and American men talk louder, even in libraries. 

-As we  move into our 30′s, what do you think needs to happen to keep the geezers hanging with the kids in harmony, in regards to the Electronic Music scene?  I turned 31 in November last year (Nov 30^th if you want to send me a card this year) so I know all about being in my 30s. I think its essential for people in their 30s to continue clubbing because the younger generation need someone screaming in their ears to tell them that an old Strictly Rhythm track is being played. Kids need to know when a contemporary DJ is playing old tunes. That’s not being patronising, they just do.

- …the last time you hung out w a page three girl by ‘yourself’?  I’ve never f***** a Page Three girl but I have had a blow job from a flat chested prostitute called Donna in an alley way. She made me wear a condom and it was one of those times where you c** but you’re not fully hard. Know what I mean? My friend, who’s turn it was after me, sent me a news paper clipping a couple of years ago of a story involving a local prostitute called Donna who’d been sentenced to 18 months in jail for petty theft, breaking and entering and grievous bodily harm. It turns out she was a smack head who was robbing people and selling her body to pay for more drugs and food for her 2 year old girl. To this day I wonder what she spent my five pounds on.

-What about America is still a mystery to you?  Mount Rushmore. The FACT that you can buy an AK47 from your local butcher. Silicon Valley (is it really a valley made out of internet?). The World Series of baseball being contested only by regional teams (why don’t you invite other nations?). Hugh Laurie’s face and Hugh Laurie’s accent in House. Denver (it is my dream for someone to pay for me to fly to Denver and put me up for a long weekend so that I can review the local dance scene and promote the place on my world famous blog, the Weekly Review of Dance Music).

-Football match: who’d win, Chelsea or U.S. National Team?  At the moment your national team would probably annihilate Chelsea because they’re an absolute shambles of a team. I’m not a fan of Chelsea but AVB has to go – and will do at the end of the season. Know what I mean?- Uppers or downers?Uppers. I don’t know what it is but there’s something about ecstasy that really makes me feel good about myself, the people around me, my future and life in general.

-Whats with the Royal Arms of England?  Is that a pub?

-If aliens landed in front of you and, in exchange for anything you desire, offered you any position on their planet, what would you want?  I would demand to be Snoop Doggy Dogg in 1993-What kind of people do you dislike?  I hate people who don’t like dance music. Really. I fucking hate people who can’t get down to a 4/4 beat. Dance music is all about love, peace and harmony. True togetherness and unconditional forgiveness. One world, one mind, one beating heart. So if I find out that someone doesn’t like house music I just f*cking HATE them. No debate.

-What makes you angry?  Early Metallica, butternut squash and people who say Nicolas Jaar is a modern day Mozart – he’s good but he just plays slow music even slower…with a live orchestra or something.

-Favorite item at the chipper?  What is a chipper?

-Worst clubbing experience?  There was this one time at the Egg in London with my mate Robbo where we took about 9 pills and none of them worked.  We were both f*cking livid.

 -What makes a good DJ set for you?  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again (now). I could be in a club listening to the DJ tapping his fingers on the platter for 7 hours and if I’ve taken some good ecstasy E tablets it’ll sound good. I’ve had emails from people telling me that’s the stupidest thing they’ve ever heard in their entire life but its 100% true and 95% right. Saying that, I would suggest Ricardo Villalobos @ Club Fabric in London playing a steady progression from 112bpm through to the late 130bpms, ending with a ‘one more’ stomper at around 145bpm would be a perfect night.

-Tiesto is said to be the highest paid DJ, with his least amount with his nightly range being $50-250K. Thoughts on this fact according to kgb answers?  Tiesto is worth every penny he makes. Personally, I hate the music he plays and he is a good-average mixer but what would you do? He’s being offered all this cash money to personally deliver shit directly into the ears of teenagers in aircraft hangers and football stadiums…I would do exactly the same. There is a big thing in dance music about being cool and underground, and I hate that as much as I hate stadium trance. Read the forums in RA. Read the articles in mnml ssgs (Minimal Messages). Read the reviews in LWE. ‘Pretentious’ does not do these lumberjack shirt wearing, hair-cut obsessed toads justice.

People forget that what dance music boils down to is the dance floor. When you’re on the dance floor, in love with the world and DANCING you do not stop to think “f*ck me, why didn’t Todd Terje stick a bit more attack on that hi-hat. Too sharp.” All you want to do is get higher, hug everyone around you and carry on dancing. Nobody really gives a fuck whether Andrew Ryce endorses shit or not. No offence to Andrew Ryce but I just went on LWE and his was the first name I saw. I don’t read many dance reviews anymore. I trust my ears and feet.

-What is your take on all the Grammy fall out in the EDM community?  Did you read the Philip Sherburne piece in Spin? Thoughts?  I did. Oh my gosh, indeed. It was embarrassing. Anything that gets people into nightclubs has to be a good thing though – expose the underground, encourage those who may have only got into dance music through seeing Skrillex at the Grammys and accept all. House music is for all. Anyone who wants to keep it underground and select are completely missing the point.

 -Do you ever feel island sickness living in England?  A lot. I often consider “breaking” America but I don’t think my wife would like me leaving her and our 9 month old son to follow my American Dream and launch WRDM in the USA – however large the demand for it.

-How often do you travel about in Europe for music destinations? What are some of your favorite places/experiences?  I’ve been to Sonar twice and had two special experiences. I’m not a massive fan of tent festivals so I recommend Sonar because you stay in a nice apartment in Barcelona, go to the university during the day for local Spanish artists and DJs playing low key stuff, get a bite to eat in the evening and then get the Sonar bus to a massive fucking rave up outside the city. Last time I went I watched the sun come up whilst Ricardo Villalobos went all Balearic.

 -Ever been to America? If so, most enjoyable experience? Least enjoyable?  I went to New York once. I got food poisoning HERE and didn’t leave my bed for three days. I need to return one day soon and do America properly. Strange as this may sound, I enjoyed the American accent a lot.

-Do you watch Southpark?  I do watch South Park, you silly goose! ‘Scott Tenorman Must Die’ is my favourite episode. Scott should not have sold Cartman his pubes.

 -What is one mistake you regret making? One you are proud of making?  Selling my belt drive decks and mixer in the year 2001 was a mistake. I could have been earning upwards of $250k and playing b2b sets with Tiesto now. I was THAT good.  Saying that, I now have Ableton Live. I make lounge-core mixes and minimal hard house tracks that are going to blow up in 2012. Blow up in a good way.

Our thanks to Tonka for his time, please be sure to check his blog, it’s hilarious.       http://tonkawrdm.blogspot.com/

twitter > @tonkawrdm

email > tonkawrdm@gmail.com